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Tuesday, July 26, 2011

To call or not to call... That is the question...

I drove over to this place to have the upholstery fixed on a car I'm hoping to sell and found this sign on the front door:

I felt that this was good information.  I'm not a thief, but now I know not to try to rip-off this place.

The guy inside was very nice and helpful.  However, I would certainly not want to get on his bad side.  He looked like he could most definitely follow through on the warning on the door.

My car will be safe there.  I wouldn't mind putting this same warning on my front window, but I don't think my HOA would appreciate that much.

Monday, July 25, 2011

Yes, it's about the dogs... again

It finally rained today... An actual storm.  Not the silly little few drops that have been happening recently.  It poured.  I was certainly happy about it.  The dogs, on the other hand... Not so much.

I walked to the back yard to feel the rain pummeling down on my face.  I wanted to make sure that it was actually rain and not someone standing outside making it appear to be raining and making all of those thunder sounds like the movies.  Alas, it was actual rain.

Remember I told you about Chloe?  She's the Pit mix that dives down to the bottom of the pool.  She ran outside absolutely positive that I was ready to toss that damn tennis ball in the pool for her.  Until she felt water... on her back... and she wasn't even IN the pool!

She looked at me as if I had ripped her skin from her body.  She yelped and ran back into the house. (With 5 dogs, it's much easier to leave the door open for a while so they can all come out.  One by freaking one)  She sat at the door completely astonished that the other dogs were able to take the absolute horrific knives falling from the sky.  It was torture for her.

So, being as I want her to get over her fear, I coaxed her to go outside.  I then wrapped her in a towel and figured that this would be a good time to have a rain coat for her.  You know how cute that would be?  Granted I am not the type to dress up my dogs, but this one seriously adores clothing and blankets and warmth of any kind, really.  For Halloween last year, my daughter dressed her up like a bumble bee... Wings and head gear, as well.  Pico, the cat, was a taco.  He wasn't as thrilled with the costume as Chloe was with hers, though.

Anyway, she walked outside, wrapped in a towel.  I picked her up and took her to the grass.  I knew it was her "time".  She's the only dog I have that does the potty dance.  It's a sight, let me tell you.  Her back legs go up and down and she puts her nose to the door.  Of course, she's also the only one who will hold it until she receives an engraved invitation to go.  As I set her on the grass, she jumped back up into my arms as if I was going to bury her alive.  She ran over to the table where the big ass umbrella was still up to shield herself from the hell of this crap falling from the sky.

Now, Chloe has no issues at all with thunder.  Just that wet stuff.  But she dives in the pool... Daily.  She will jump up and push herself off of my chest just so she can do a flip.  Just to show me how incredibly excited she is and wishes to share her enthusiasm with me about going in the pool.

Chloe is a sweetheart, though.  When I walked back inside, she slithered up into my lap as to tell me that she understands that I wish to help her, but keep her the hell out of that damn rain stuff.  If I can't jump into it, it's evil.

And you know what?  We went through this six, yes six, times.  Same reaction each time.  Now she is curled up next to my Rottie and the unknown puppy.  And by the way, she has yet to go to the bathroom.  I'm waiting for her bladder to explode.  And since it has stopped raining, let's hope that she will actually make it outside to the wet ground to pee.  If not, I have plenty of towels available.  Maybe I should just teach her to use the toilet.  Hmmm... Maybe not.

This is the typical, daily Chloe...

She's a nut about the water... As long as it's not falling from the sky....

A great thing for entertainment.....

I saw this on one of my many pages on Facebook (I look at this shit way too much).  I do think this is awesome though.

I have decided to start another company.  I'm going to call it "Haute Penis Couture".  I'm going to sell little bitty outfits for your man's penis.  I do like the idea.  Maybe I will also sell landscape settings for a woman's boobage.

I will, of course, label everything with a warning:

"Do not take pictures of your penis or boobage dressed up and send them to kids.  It's just not an ideal way to go down in history."

I think that sums it up.  Anyone want to help me figure out what outfits to make?  Anyone know how to sew?

Just a little thing about me, just so you know.....

In 8th grade, I was in Home Economics.  I failed the class.  Wanna know why?  I couldn't sew worth a damn.  Still can't.  I had to make a piece of clothing for myself or for someone else to wear.  Yes, actually wear.  I decided to make a skirt.  Can't be that hard, right?  Man, was I wrong.  It was a complete fail.  My midterm was baking something... I made a butter cake.  It would have been awesome, but I totally forgot to add the butter.  Another fail.  Yeah, my teacher just made me do other stuff that didn't involve sewing or baking.

Now, on the other hand, these days I can cook up some pretty bad ass meals and cakes and shit.  The sewing, though, still sucks.  NO way in Hell will I be able to do that.  I can't sew a damn button.  I'm so glad there are little shops that will fix stuff like that for you....

Jillism... The newest form of politicalism and religious beliefs.. HA!

So I was talking to my mom about Facebook.  She refuses to sign up for it, but wants me to make sure to tell her what all the posts are from my family and even my friends.  So, I have two.  One for her to see and the other one for me.  Now granted, I haven't even logged into the one for me in over two months.  It has bored me to tears.  All I have on there now are invites for all sorts of games. That's just down right annoying.

Back to what I was going to discuss.... So my mother is looking at my Facebook.  She looks at my profile.  Under the Political part... It says Jillism.  It also says that under religion.  She was completely shocked and scorned me for being so rude.

Me: I hate politicians, so I figured the best political way to go is start my own political race, if you will.

Mom: Are you out of your mind?

Me: What kind of question is that? You should know by now that I'm not exactly in my right mind.

Mom: True.  And why can't you put Catholic???????? It is just wrong and rude to make yourself seem to be a God!

Me: Jillism is partially Catholicism, partially Atheism, partially, Buddhism, partially all other isms.  I'm a happy camper, well, okay, most of the time, and so why not follow my moral code?  Don't kill people, just torture them.  Killing is just wrong anyway.  Torture is better than feeding them and paying for them to sleep on a bed and watch tv! So, really it's a combination of political and religious beliefs.  I think it works just fine.

Mom: You need to go to church.  Go talk to the priest.  Say 100 Hail Mary's.  You just need to stop this nonsense.

Me: It's Facebook! For crying out loud.  It's a social site.  I can put whatever I want on there.  Now, if you would sign up for Facebook, you can block me.... For religious reasons.

Mom: I'm not talking to you for the rest of the day.

(Five minutes later)...

Me: Hello?

Mom: Can you tell me what your sister is posting on Facebook?

Me: I deleted my Facebook.

Mom: Have you lost your mind???

Me: No, I gave in to Jillism.  Completely.  I'm going to live electronics free and people free.  Vow of silence.. that whole thing.  So I have to get off the phone now.

Mom: You are such an idiot.

Me: I take after my mother....

Mom: No, honey... After your father...

So, yeah, that was our conversation about Jillism.  Funny thing is, my daughter and a couple of her friends have converted to Jillism.  Someone actually thought I should start this up.  The whole Jillism thing.. yeah, I don't think so.  Unless I can get someone to move me for free and without hassle and stress.  Then look out!  Jillism is coming!

I wonder what kind of logo would be good for that......

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Hopefully I haven't completely lost it...

So I feel like moving. Just up and go. To where, I have no idea. No particular reason, either. Just have that wild hair.

So I start looking around my house. Trying to figure out what all has to be done so I can move. In each room, I imagine how many boxes that I would have to pack. Since I have a two-story, I would also have to carry all of that crap downstairs.

As I enter each room, my pack of dogs is following me wondering what the hell I'm doing walking into each room, standing there, checking out all the stuff, then walking to the next room.

I actually start dreading walking into the next room. Granted this was only after the first room, but still. Then I thought about hiring someone to do it. Then I thought about the cost of hiring someone. Now, I could pay my daughter's friends with food. But that would mean one of two things:

1) I would have to cook. A lot. I mean A LOT. So, nah, don't wanna do that.
2) I could order food. Easier, of course, but I would have to buy out a restaurant. Seriously.

Also add to that the fact that they are seriously slow and make everything into a game or party. Yeah. That's not gonna happen.

So back to the thought of hiring professionals. I call one mover place. I would have to black market my kidney and possibly part of my liver as well.

After all the stress, I pour a glass of wine, walk outside, and start with the dogs and their tennis balls. I think I will remain here for a while longer. Just the thought of moving voluntarily stressed me out. When I actually do move, I'm ordering a case of wine and putting myself up in a hotel. And the dogs? They'll go to their own hotel.

Maybe I should just order the wine and do all the other stuff and forget about moving....

Monday, July 11, 2011

Gardening and wine...

So today I decided that I was going to work in the yard. Yes, even though it was 200 degrees outside. I have these super awesome gloves. They are purple and just slide onto my hands. Awesome I tell you.

Anyway, so since I decided to work in the yard... The backyard to be more specific... I had the joy of having more help than anyone could possibly ever deserve. It was splendid. Well, until I put on the awesome gloves.

Like you've read before, I have five dogs and a cat. Three of them are always together: Jezebel, Chloe, and Munchkin. I call them the good, the bad, and the ugly or the three flamingos. (side note... When my now college age daughter was young she loved the movie the Three Amigos. But she said flamingos instead, so that's the story behind that one). If you've never seen that movie, you so should.

Anyway... The Three Flamingos decided to help me. That was until I put the awesome gloves on. I believe the dogs would call them the demon gloves. I am fluent in Fido, so I explained to them that they are good. They didn't believe me. Well, until Munchkin made the first move. She's fearless that one. She walked up and slowly crept her way under the demon gloves where they would touch her, but ever so gently. She paused for a moment while the glove was touching her back. She then backed up, still with the glove on her back. Then forward again. Then back again. She began to just move one or two steps up and back all the while licking her lips.

Once she discovered that those were no demon gloves, she persuaded the other two to come try them out. These to her were now the awesome gloves. Chloe has extremely short and thin hair, so there's no brushing her... Ever. So Chloe walked over to me to check out these things I placed on my hands. She tried to pull them off with her teeth until she realized that part of my body was inside of them. She looked at Munchkin and Munchkin walked over to me to repeat her steps above. Chloe watched and then tried it herself. All the while I am sitting there with my hand sticking out, completely still. Once Chloe tried out this whole walking forward and backward under the gloves, she then decided that this is how she wants to be brushed. She leaped around as if she struck gold. If the gloves were on, her body was there... Ready to be brushed. Then here comes Jezebel. Now, Jez is 70 pounds. Her version of wanting to be gentle is tackling you. That's fun... Right?

Well, she wanted me to scratch her butt withe those gloves. So, I did. Chloe had other plans. Apparently Chloe has decided that those gloves are hers. Period. Chloe slithers her body under the glove that is scratching Jezebel and starts brushing herself. Yes, the gloves are still on my hands.

This continued for about fifteen minutes. Then, in my best Fido accent, told them it was time for me to actually do something in the backyard. I start removing dead branches and leaves from around the landscaping. I'm on my knees to get to the real mess. Here comes the good, the bad, and the ugly. (side note... Jezebel is the good one, Munchkin is the bad one, Chloe is the ugly one. She's not ugly, but she's not good or bad, either). Chloe grabs the very tip of one of my gloves and takes off with it. At the same time, Munchkin and Jezebel are trying to get scratched with the other glove. Chloe tosses her glove on the ground and starts rolling around on it. I'm thinking she's trying to brush herself since I'm so busy. That's nice of her.

Needless to say, I didn't get much done in the backyard. But now the three flamingos agree.. Awesome gloves.

Sunday, July 3, 2011

You complete me...

Time and time again I see lots of younger guys walk up to each to greet.

First guy: "What up daw?"
Second guy: "What up g?"

I finally figured out why they greet each other is such a manner... Someone must complete the word! The word is Dawg. So, since the first guy doesn't say the "g", it's up to the second guy to complete the word!

One day I will have a couple of dogs that I will call "Daw" and the other "G". I think that would work. They will then complete each other...

I wonder if there are other words that they must complete for one another.... This is going to become my new research project... Oh, yes.